The ComedianDVD - 2017
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Closed captioned for the hearing impaired.
From the critics
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WARNING OFFENSIVE JOKES
You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour!
-Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?
What am I getting for this gig?
-You get a percentage of the door.
So that's $11 and a burger. Your commission's gonna be a fxxx pickle.
How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"? I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia. It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth." So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia?
You shouldn't do marriage jokes. O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you.
It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married. I mean, you want a relationship? Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fxxx chicken. Get a dog.
Your Honor there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage
because according to the law, the way I understand it it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.
Uncle Moshit told me that before the first Thanksgiving the pilgrims thought that turkeys were sex objects. They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble" was Puritan for "blowjob." So when the Indians arrived, right after the Macy's Day Parade they brought turkeys all trussed up. They were with cranberry sauce and gravy and potatoes and the Pilgrims were like... They were pissed. They were like, "What are they doing? "They're eating our fxxx birds." But you know, being Puritans, they don't wanna be rude. But you know what? It turned out that the turkeys tasted even better than going down on their wives!
Were your parents in a Nazi barbershop quartet?
Yeah. It's always nice to see women laugh. Once you can make a woman laugh then you can make her do anything, they say. I don't know
if that's true.
-Is that what they say?
It's an old saying.
-Like a very, very old saying?
My parents are immigrants. They're from Taiwan. Um, they moved to Texas when I was a baby. And, um, I think immigration is fxxx crazy. Can you imagine moving to a completely foreign country just so your offspring
would have more opportunities? Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.
I'm Puerto Rican, which means I'm a Mexican with papers. I was a teenage-pregnancy case. That's how we do it in my family. We have our babies, then we get a job, then we get our periods.
And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny. It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny.
But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll...
-Did I hear a "but"? I thought I heard a "but." Did we hear a "but"? There's a lot of butts sitting here, but does "but" mean "Give me some time"? "Let me think about it"? "Maybe never"? "Whatever"?
I was opening for him one night... I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy. Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig.
-No. It was Italian.
No. It wasn't Italian. It was Jewish. They were Jews.
-I went in the men's room. Believe me, it was Italian. A lot of calzones.
I still remember him teaching me dirty jokes as a kid. Before I could say "Dada," I could say "caca." He taught me the B word, the S word, the F word. Yeah, all of them.
-She already knew the C word. She picked it up on her own.
You were so concerned about her growing up to be a Jewish American princess, you didn't even notice that she was turning out to be a Jewish American prince.
She's not the punch line for somebody's jokes.
You know, I'm a sucker for an honest man.
-And I'm a sucker for a girl that has daddy issues.
Anything we can do, we're here.
-I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know.
You mind if I smoke?
-I don't care if you burn.
Today, you can get by just by blowing the director. But, God, when I think of the things that you had to do.
But whatever you did worked because you played some of the most iconic roles in the history of film.
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?
Come sit on my lap. I'll spin you around like a dreidel. That was a Jewish joke.
In your rear
Pee pee is fine
Except if it leaks
What'd you expect
From elderly freaks?
It's so abusive
Stools are elusive
Whoopee, not "poopie."
I'd rather have Stevie Wonder shave my balls with a fxxx butcher knife
than be part of this fxxx reality show.
So, what's the deal with chores and allowances? I turn 8, and my mom says, "I'll give you $10 a week to make your room, wash the dishes, and clean the cat's litter box." Ten dollars? That's slave labor. I go to our neighbor's house, and I say, "What will you give me if I make your room, wash your dishes, and clean your cat's litter box?" Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat." So I piss in her hallway and say, "You go to 15 a week, and I'll supply the pussy."
Okay, Jackie. You're finally working at the Comedy Cellar again. Don't fxxx this up. Don't curse too much. Don't pull your dick out. Don't attack anyone physically unless they really, really deserve it.
-Well, looks like all my ex-wives were wrong. The bitches. Sometimes, it really does pay to be a total asshole. And if I had known psychotic breakdowns were so entertaining, I'd have just been myself all these years. Oh, you know what? I forgot. I'm gonna be a dad. Yeah. You don't have to applaud. I know I'm fxxx old. I mean, halfway through pulling out, I fell asleep. Before my sperm leaves my balls, it has to stop and ask directions.
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